I did a bad thing.

Last month, I was asked to present something at work to an audience at a virtual event, scheduled for today. I agreed to do it.

A week later, I finalized plans with family to take a vacation together for a whole week, with the presentation day in the middle of it. I agreed to do it.

Today, while on vacation, I signed in and gave the presentation. Did a pretty great job of it too, if I say so myself. So... what's the problem?

I'm setting a poor example. Yes, it was easy to set aside one hour to present. No, we didn't have any specific plans for today, we're visiting family and hung around the house together. Yes, I shut down immediately after I was finished and jumped in the pool with the kids.

But I shouldn't.

I scheduled over my time off with a work thing. Intentionally. Why?

Long years of conditioning.

My entire career, I've lived with a mentality that goes something like this:

• I get paid really well for what I do.
• I really enjoy the kind of work I do.
• If my employer is successful, I will be too.
• The Company doesn't stop just because I'm on vacation.
• I have the ability to remote in and do in a few minutes what others may not be able to do at all, or if they can, it would take them a while.

When I sum these up, I ended up in a place where I think "eh, it really isn't much of an imposition. I can just pop off to work for a minute, knock something out, and keep the office moving along while I'm still on vacation!"

What I've failed to take into account for so long (and what I'm finally starting to learn) is that there's a major difference between taking a little work along with me like this and actually being "Out of the Office". The Working Vacation mentality effectively means that I don't actually check out, ever. And that's not healthy.

Rewards and Conditioning

If I know that this thing that I'm doing is unhealthy, why then do I do it?

The allure of accolades.

I love the perception that it leaves with people. I realized this when I signed in and heard someone make a comment about me making an extra effort since I was on vacation... and I had a mental red flag go up at the very same time as I started to smile at the compliment.

I was primed and ready to "humbly" accept the pat on the back from a colleague... but when the flag went up, I realized that my perspective on this was changing and I was being complimented for doing something that was really a sign I'd handled my schedule wrong. I learned this from watching some of my new colleagues - and their examples have made me reframe the "look at Ben, working from his vacation" compliment as something much more insidious - a lack of work-life balance.

I like to feel needed.

I suppose we all like to feel needed sometimes. And when there's an opportunity to shine at work, to really cement my place on the team as someone who's valuable and committed... well, there ya go.

But am I really needed? How do I know? Of course they need me... and the evidence is that they hired me! I think the thing that I miss here though is that my employer needs me at my best; my best is something I can't give unless I'm well-rested, though! The point of any paid time off is to give a person a chance to breathe, to recharge - and if I'm spending part of that time off actually still being on, I won't be at my best when I return.

Sometimes, employers expect it of you on purpose.

This is a tough one. Sometimes your employer isn't forward-thinking enough to realize that disconnecting completely is healthy, and they encourage you to remain connected / engaged even as you leave the office in search of a little downtime. In my case, I've been around that kind of employer-first mentality a lot to the point that I began thinking that's how it ought to be.

My learning here is that this is a sign of a toxic workplace. And in my opinion, it's the worst kind of toxic - because it doesn't seem to be. It feels innocuous, when in reality it's extremely damaging over time.

Sometimes, employers accidentally expect it of you.

My final note is that sometimes employers reward you for "good behaviors"... accidentally. In my example, the accolades from colleagues talking about how I'm going above and beyond by signing in from vacation are a great sign of this - the positive reinforcement is being delivered unintentionally. This is a sign that my own motivations are out of alignment - I'm deriving a sense of accomplishment and well-being from a source that I shouldn't.

TL;DR

In the future, I should strive for a different kind of experience: When I'm out of the office, it should be my goal to be unreachable. My physical and mental health depend on it!